I am a fucking busy person. I work out religiously, I take piano and Spanish lessons, I’ve been teaching myself guitar for the past few months, I’m getting ready to go to Europe in 2 weeks, and I work full-time. Plus I have to cook and clean and do all that domestic bullshit too. Oh and now I guess I’m blogging about my dick cats in addition to all that junk. I’m not complaining; I’m just stating a fact and saying that I’ve got a lot going on and it’s rare that I get any time just to relax.
But every few weeks, the stars align and a miracle occurs. What happens is this: I’ve already worked out that morning, I don’t have any after-work commitments or lessons, I actually leave my office at the same time that normal humans do, and Merry Maids (I know, I’m an asshole) has come that day so there’s no motherfucking pile of dishes waiting for me in the sink. I am able to go home and fucking goddamn RELAX. On these beautiful, magical evenings I might watch something I’ve DVR’d or dick around on the internet. But what I really REALLY love to do is put on some pajama bottoms and my oversized Lil Wayne t-shirt and lay in bed with a good fucking book. Reading in bed is ultimate relaxation for me. Yeah yeah yeah how boring, I’m an old woman, blah blah blah go fuck yourself.
Last week I bought a new book that I’ve been dying to read but haven’t had time to start….until the stars aligned and I actually didn’t have shit to do last night. So, I made myself a hot toddy, put on my loungewear, and got into my big comfortable bed ready to embark on a new literary adventure. I was halfway through the prologue when this bullshit right here happened:
Meet Isis. You might be thinking to yourself, “Oh what a sweet kitty. She just wants to lay on her human and love and be loved.” THAT’S BULLSHIT. This cat is a hate-filled demon bitch. Her purpose in life is to get between you and any joy you might find in life….in this case, quite literally. She saw I was reading. She knew what I was doing. And she purposely laid on me in such a way that I could not see my book. So you’re saying, “Alright, so the cat is kind of a dick, but just move her and go about your business.” Yeah, great fucking idea. Here is how that typically plays out:
Unfortunately the iPhone doesn’t quite pick up the demon growl that was issuing forth from the bowels of Hell itself via this damn cat. But you get the idea. This scenario played itself out about four more times before I gave up and went to sleep after only reading seven pages. And I KNOW she was being a douche on purpose because she was on my chest when I turned off my lamp; approximately fifteen seconds after total darkness, she got off of me and vacated the bed never to return…..until 3 a.m. when I woke up to the sound of her retching up a half-digested silk leaf on the cover of my new book. Well-played, you fucking bitch.
-Suzanne
Cats Are Such Dicks 