REJOICE FOR I HAVE RETURNED!

So you may have noticed that my posts have been….well, I was going to say ‘infrequent lately’ but let’s be real, I haven’t posted a goddamn thing in awhile. Fortunately, my lovely blogging mate Catherine has managed the upkeep of things around the site and has kept it from going to complete shit. Hooray Catherine! May your cats reward you by not destroying any of your possessions today! (Although it’s probably too late in the day for that….)

So you may be asking where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Or maybe you think that my cats just started behaving themselves and stopped trying to murder me, thus not providing me with any material. To which I say HA–you clearly aren’t a cat owner. Well, I could tell you how I’ve started a new job that has kept me pretty busy, or how I’ve been going through some rather adult shit in the past few months, but this blog isn’t about my problems. If I wanted to put my personal life and issues on display, I would start a blog specifically designed for narcissistic and self-indulgent whining or just post it in my facebook status like everyone else does. So, instead of getting into all that, let’s just celebrate the fact that I’m back! Yay!

I would like to use this post to introduce you to a friend’s cat. Meet Berkeley:

A friend of mine lost his dog about three months ago and wanted a new pet for companionship. Using my amazing skills of persuasion (and selfishly knowing I could get a lot of blog-mileage out of the situation), I convinced him that he should get a cat (and clearly, he doesn’t read the blog). So I went with him to the shelter and Berke was the first cat he spotted. We took him out of his crate, and he was honest-to-god the sweetest cat I’d ever met in my life. Of course, I should’ve realized at the time where we were and that obviously the sweetness was a ploy to dupe gullible humans into upgrading his lifestyle by adopting him. But at the time, I think all I said was, “Oh my god, he’s purring and he’s sleeping in my lap, and OH MY GOD now he’s making biscuits, and he’s purring so loud and he’s so soft and he smells good and OH MY GOD PLEASE GET THIS CAT FOR ME I MEAN FOR YOU BUT CAN I PLEASE VISIT ALL THE TIIIIIIIME?????” And that was that.

Berkeley remained the best cat ever (seriously, he didn’t tear anything up and was sleeping every time I visited) for about two weeks. Coincidentally, two weeks is the shelter’s ‘trial’ period to determine if the pet you adopted is a good match for you. Well played, Berkeley. Overnight, the quiet sleeping kitten I had become accustomed to was transformed into a running, jumping, scratching, puking, eating, and non-stop meowing destroyer of all things. Basically, he turned into a normal damn cat.

The best example I have to illustrate his behavior is something we’ve covered before here and here. Basically, cats have within them an innate drive to murder and destroy all things which bring joy and beauty to your life. Here is Berkeley doing just that:

Berkeley, however, doesn’t just eat the flowers. Instead, he takes the dick game to a whole new level (and yes, I’m aware that sentence sounded vaguely pornographic). Most cats, when reprimanded for eating the dining table display, will either retreat somewhere to sulk until you leave and then shit on your bed or they will promptly barf the flowers right back up on your dining table. Berkeley however, isn’t taking any shit from anyone:

Hell, I’d like to bitch slap anyone that tries to tell me how to live my life too so I can totally respect what Berke is doing here.  Plus watching an overweight cat rear up on its hind legs and slap at a grown man that is trying to make him stop eating a bouquet of flowers is definitely one of the funnier things I’ve seen. So I’d say that this new cat situation has turned out quite great for me….I get to hang out with a hilarious cat that does stupid things that I can exploit on my blog, but I don’t have to live with the nightmare of actually owning him. WIN-WIN!