If it fits, we sits.

So, I’m going to start off this post by saying today is National Cat Day, and not one of you people have wished us a Happy National Cat Day today. Even though it’s probably not dedicated to cat owners, and created by a cat to celebrate cats’ and their existence on this planet. They’re dicks like that. Like, it’s different than the other 364 days in the year. Moving on now, just don’t forget our birthdays.

Cats are known to sit in precisely the places where they know they shouldn’t. Like, somehow squeezing their bodies behind your tchotchkes on your bookshelf so that when you grab them, they knock over everything.

Last week, I was packing for Los Angeles and got this weird feeling something was watching me.

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Found it.

Then this happened, because it has to happen every time I try to leave. It’s like he’s staging his own little cat sit-in.

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It’s his way of punishing me for leaving, as if to say, “Fine. You can go. But I’m just going to cover the inside of your suitcase with cat hair so you look like shit the entire time you are gone.”

going HAM on some ham

I’m not a big fan of giving people food to my cats. And it’s not because of some concern for my cats’ well-being, like I think that it’s animal abuse or something crazy like that.

I don’t feed people food to my cats because it would inconvenience me in the following ways:

  1. Cat food is pretty much the only way to shut them up. I don’t mean to overfeed them, but I often do just to keep them quiet (I’m going to be a great parent to actual humans some day!). If I start giving them people food and they become wise to the fact that cat food pretty much sucks, I’m never going to hear the end of that yowling.
  2. Everything else already belongs to them. My house, my furniture, my clothing, my shoes, my belongings…..all have been claimed by tiny claws and are covered in long white and orange hairs. Some of my stuff has even been graced with their bodily fluids…on more than one occasion, I have found either poop or vomit (or when I’m really lucky, both–DOUBLE PRIZE!!!) on my bed. MY FOOD IS ALL I HAVE LEFT YOU GUYS. It is the only thing that still belongs to me. The only reason they haven’t taken it over is because I keep all the food locked away where they can’t reach it because they don’t have opposable thumbs.
  3. Cat farts are the worst.
  4. If I started giving them food, I would never get through another meal in peace. They’ve already claimed the table as their bed:

It’s bad enough that I have to already share the table with their fat asses while I eat; I don’t want to have to contend with trying to keep their giant heads out of my food too.

However, my refusal to feed people food to my own cats does not preclude me from giving it to other people’s cats, mostly because I’m a huge jerk. Seriously, don’t be friends with me. I have one cat-friend in particular named Berkeley who has acquired a taste for deli meat (mainly due to the fact that I feed it to him on the reg), and now, much to his owner’s chagrin, he goes NUTS when he smells or sees it:

You seriously cannot keep him away from it if you have it in the house. And really, the side effects aren’t that bad. He just acts like a psychopath when you’re eating a ham sandwich and pukes a lot, neither of which really affect me all that much since I don’t live with him. And really, the only things I’m ever concerned with are those that affect me so…..carry on, Berkeley. You go HAM on that ham.

Tardar Sauce: the Grumpy Cat

By now (unless you’ve been living under a rock), you’ve probably heard about the latest Internet cat sensation that STILL isn’t our cats.

His name is freaking¬†Tardar Sauce, and he’s known as the grumpiest cat, because, well… he looks like an asshole, ALL OF THE TIME. Like, physically, he can’t help it because he was made that way.

If you want to read more about him, you can click here. If you just want to see funny pictures of this cat being a dick, then keep scrolling…and then you can click here for even more pictures.

Cat Card #1: Fake Disinterest

So, last week, I was bored and Browning was laying next to me and he looked bored as hell too, so I googled “cat games for computers.” I came across this “game” that looked like it was basically from the Netscape Navigator-era, like I could count pixels, but Browning seemed to be slightly impressed so I let it play.

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He was interested.

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Here he’s saying “ZOMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRR.”

Then as soon as he realized I captured him looking impressed on camera, he promptly pulled Cat Card #1 and faked disinterest.

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Cats only pretend they know what they’re doing.

Cats exude quasi confidence.

Walking on a one inch wide window ledge? Doesn’t even matter if they fall because they meant to do it. Eating fake flowers? They just love puking up plastic. Accidentally sitting their cat asses on your plugged-in flat iron? Hello, their hair was starting to crimp.

So, it’s no surprise that these two assholes pretended to be able to track and kill a fly all day long yesterday.

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I became involved AFTER they put holes in my curtains and JUST before they tore the blinds off the damn wall.

Who knew you could capture so much stupid in one picture.