going HAM on some ham

I’m not a big fan of giving people food to my cats. And it’s not because of some concern for my cats’ well-being, like I think that it’s animal abuse or something crazy like that.

I don’t feed people food to my cats because it would inconvenience me in the following ways:

1. Cat food is pretty much the only way to shut them up. I don’t mean to overfeed them, but I often do just to keep them quiet (I’m going to be a great parent to actual humans some day!). If I start giving them people food and they become wise to the fact that cat food pretty much sucks, I’m never going to hear the end of that yowling.
2. Everything else already belongs to them. My house, my furniture, my clothing, my shoes, my belongings…..all have been claimed by tiny claws and are covered in long white and orange hairs. Some of my stuff has even been graced with their bodily fluids…on more than one occasion, I have found either poop or vomit (or when I’m really lucky, both–DOUBLE PRIZE!!!) on my bed. MY FOOD IS ALL I HAVE LEFT YOU GUYS. It is the only thing that still belongs to me. The only reason they haven’t taken it over is because I keep all the food locked away where they can’t reach it because they don’t have opposable thumbs.
3. Cat farts are the worst.
4. If I started giving them food, I would never get through another meal in peace. They’ve already claimed the table as their bed:

It’s bad enough that I have to already share the table with their fat asses while I eat; I don’t want to have to contend with trying to keep their giant heads out of my food too.

However, my refusal to feed people food to my own cats does not preclude me from giving it to other people’s cats, mostly because I’m a huge jerk. Seriously, don’t be friends with me. I have one cat-friend in particular named Berkeley who has acquired a taste for deli meat (mainly due to the fact that I feed it to him on the reg), and now, much to his owner’s chagrin, he goes NUTS when he smells or sees it:

You seriously cannot keep him away from it if you have it in the house. And really, the side effects aren’t that bad. He just acts like a psychopath when you’re eating a ham sandwich and pukes a lot, neither of which really affect me all that much since I don’t live with him. And really, the only things I’m ever concerned with are those that affect me so…..carry on, Berkeley. You go HAM on that ham.