The One Where Three Idiots Stare at a Moth for an Hour

Twas a month before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Except for one moth, flying against the window in vain
While the cats watched from below, the futile fluttering driving them insane.

Seriously. They did this for at least an hour.

And then they all took a nap. Good work, everyone. Solid night all around.

 

“Keep Away from Small Children and Animals” aka “Blah Blah Watch What This Dumb Cat Does”

Because it was Thanksgiving, I spent a couple days at my parents’ house. This is always a blessing because my mom’s cats are bigger dicks than my own and provide me with filler content.

Take this picture for example.

20121126-204223.jpg
That’s my mom’s cat Peanut. Peanut is Browning’s daughter and basically the biggest dick of a cat I’ve ever met. If you upset her, she’ll shit in the bathtub to inconvenience you. True story.

20121126-204235.jpg

Peanut couldn’t stand that there were cat toys in that bag. More specifically she couldn’t stand that said cat toys were not for her.

20121126-204248.jpg

Obviously the next logical step in this scenario is to get stuck in the bag to somehow sabotage the toys for the intended cats.

20121126-204258.jpg

 

The next logical step is to walk off, owning the fact that you’re stuck in a bag and it was exactly what you meant to do.

[Disclaimer: No animals were hurt. Peanut is alive and well and probably shitting in a bathtub right now.]

How One Cat Escalated from Jewelry Theft to Attempted Murder in Just One Week

SUNDAY

Attempts to steal my David Yurman necklace, probably to sell on the internet in order to procure funds to hire someone to kill me.

MONDAY

Holds owner hostage. Attempts to prevent communication with the outside world.

TUESDAY

Realizes his previous attempt to sever owner’s ability to send a distress signal has failed. Tries new tactic.

WEDNESDAY

Attempts to control owner through food deprivation; learned on the internet that starvation tactics may make his hostage more cooperative.

THURSDAY

No explanation required.

FRIDAY

Watches an internet video of a blind kitten playing with his first toy. TRIES TO STEAL TOYS FROM A BLIND KITTEN.

SATURDAY

ATTEMPTED MURDER.

That one time we went to a cat circus.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cat circus? That’s not even a real thing.” Well, you skeptic, it most certainly is a real thing and this blog serves as proof.

Suzanne came to Austin (so, now you know where I live…please don’t stalk me) Friday night. As fate would have it, there was also a cat circus in town the same night. So, duh we had to get tickets to that.

Naturally, we couldn’t show up to this thing sober because neither of us really knew what the hell to expect out of this. And, because it was on the east side of Austin, we weren’t sure if we’d die or not, and no one wants to die sober.

We walked into the little theatre and were immediately warned to close the door because there was a loose cat running around somewhere. We both got really excited at this point and wanted to find the loose cat. Editor’s note: there was no loose cat, so that was some bullshit.

We finally found seats (all six performances were sold out…I’ve truly missed my calling) and waited for the show to begin. The ring master came out, and was dressed like a character from Josie and the Pussycats–I’m talking cat ears and crushed velvet from head to toe. It was purrfect.

She has about 12 different cats kenneled that she pulls out at different times throughout the show, depending on what trick she’s trying to get them to perform–there were a couple hoop jumping cats, a skateboard cat, tight rope walking cat, shopping cart pushing cat, instrument playing cats, tight rope walking cat. I say ‘trying to perform’ because cats are dicks (celebrity performer cats included), and a good 80% of the time she let each cat out of its kennel to perform, it just walked out and stretched and sat down, and begged for its treat like it had done something spectacular.

20121119-190218.jpgThat’s a cat riding a skateboard.

20121119-190315.jpgThis was the star of the show–a bitchy cat named Tuna. Prior to the show ending, we were warned not to touch Tuna because Tuna is a huge dick who hates humans and doesn’t like being petted and doesn’t enjoy other signs of affection either. So, naturally I tried to touch Tuna (because I WANT TO HUG ALL THE CATS but I can’t) and honestly, I’ve never been more scared for my life. That cat is 100% evil.

20121119-190338.jpg

Here we are with the star of the show. Suzanne is terrified. And this was before I tried to pet her, so I still thought I stood a chance and could make her love me. I was let down approximately 45 seconds after this photo.

The best part of the entire show actually had nothing to do with cats. A guy in the audience attempted to start a slow clap and it went a little something like this…

 

Nightmare Fuel

Some people look into their pet’s eyes and see human qualities…love, compassion, empathy, understanding…. I’m specifically talking about dog people of course because cats experience none of these emotions.

I do see certain things when I look into my cats’ eyes though….with Jaegar, I see a half bored interest in food and with Isis, I see hatred tempered by a mild surprise/disappointment that I’m not dead yet.

But with Ernest….with Ernest, I see things that can be neither understood nor forgotten. It can best be described as looking into “The Nothing” from my favorite acid trip of a movie from childhood, ‘The NeverEnding Story’. “The Nothing” is a void of darkness that consumes everything…and that, my friends, is what lurks beneath these hardened eyes:

20121115-222653.jpg

20121115-222740.jpg

20121115-222805.jpg

So there’s a nice little dose of fuel for your nightmares tonight. Goodnight, dear readers!

Dick Cats in Disney Movies

Because my cats have been strangely well-behaved as of late, I’ve had to resort to blogging about something else tonight. No doubt its their little cat-attempt to make me look like a fool. “OMG, you have a blog about cats being dicks? We’re angels, watch!” Well, whatever.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the evil of cats truly knows no bounds, so tonight I’ve combined two things I love: cats and Disney movies. You might be asking what my plan is for this, and how I can possibly take little animated cats drawn by Walt and make them look like dicks. Luckily, it’s not a lot of work for me because they do this all on their own. Watch.

Exhibit A: Lucifer in Cinderella

I won’t sugarcoat anything for you, this cat is a straight up DICK. Blame it on the awful vocal stylings of the two ugly-ass stepsisters, or blame it on a cat’s inherent ability to just be an asshole, but CINDERELLA DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SHE’S ALREADY BASICALLY AN ORPHAN. NOW SHE HAS TO START OVER CLEANING THE FLOOR BY HAND (wtf) AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LATE TO THE BALL. HAVE YOU NO SOUL? Of course you don’t, you’re a cat.

Exhibit B: Si and Am in The Lady and the Tramp

This entire video is just… wow. Let’s start with the fact that they’re Siamese cats and named Si and Am. Then the entire scene is basically these two smug cats singing in LOLCat (complete with lisps) antagonizing the only other living things in the room–the dog, the fish, and the bird–all while climbing on tables, knocking flowers over, while poor Lady tries her hardest to save the fish. THEN the baby cries, and my favorite line of this entire movie is said: “Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.” SRSLY? TAKE ENGLISH CLASSES, CATS.  To end the scene, they fake being hurt because “that wicked animal” attacked them. Lady is a Cocker Spaniel for god’s sake. She isn’t attacking anything. CATS ARE DICKS.

Exhibit C: Bagheera in The Jungle Book

Basically, Bagheera finds an orphaned Mowgli and tries to feed him to wolves. Luckily, said wolves were in fact not raised by wolves, so Mowgli lives to love another day.

Exhibit D: Alice in Wonderland

ENOUGH of your stupid confusing cat-shenanigans, cat. All Alice wants to do is find the white rabbit and you have to play coy.

Cheshire cat: “By the way…He went that way.”

Alice: “Who did?”

Cheshire Cat: “The white rabbit.”

Alice: “He did?”

Cheshire Cat: “Who did?”

The takeaway from this video is that you’re not getting any help from a talking pink and purple striped cat if you ever find yourself in Wonderland, so just bypass that altogether.

Exhibit E: Basically the entire damn movie, Aristocats

Only a clip, but you get the gist of the rest of the movie. I mean, they’re talking about scales and arpeggios and I’m human and have no clue what that means. The gentleman kittens wear bow ties. The girl cats wear bows and jewelry. The entire movie is just ridiculous, and a small glimpse into what our world would be like if cats ever took over.

So you’re thinking of fostering kittens…..AHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

A few months ago I decided to join the local humane society’s foster program. If you’re not familiar with what it means to be an animal shelter foster parent, basically you take on pets that are too young or sick to be adopted and you take care of them until they are either rehabilitated or old enough to find a permanent home. So I figured I love animals, I’d like to help out the shelter but don’t have time to volunteer, and I have the perfect space to house animals and keep them separate from my own cats (a sunroom at the back of my house).

Besides all that, I figured kittens would be easy. I know how to care for cats, I thought….why would caring for kittens be much more difficult than making sure my own cats didn’t die? In fact, I reasoned it had to be easier than caring for my own cats, since like humans cats become more evil with age. In my head, I knew it would be perfect…. imagined long Saturday afternoons filled with purrs and sweet little cat babies lounging in the sun and looking very silly whilst chasing ribbons and sunbeams.

I am a stupid, stupid woman.

The first batch of foster kittens were three siblings, and to be honest they weren’t that bad. They did cute things like this:

oh my precious

And this:

there are too many books on the kitty shelf! oh noes!

But they got bigger, and consequently went back to the shelter where they were all adopted and went on to forever homes where they will grow into cats that will someday terrorize their forever families. DAWWWW!

With the next round of fosters, I’ve discovered a rather disconcerting fact. The reason why kittens are so sweet and non-destructive comes from the simple fact that they are small and defenseless. As such, it’s necessary for them to befriend you so that they are afforded some sense of protection until they are older and larger and develop bigger claws and more hateful dispositions. Basically, kittens are just manipulative little bastards that use you to keep them alive and clean up after them, much like babies. With the second batch, I took on nine foster kittens and learned that with their powers combined…they no longer need to be my friend. Like an angry mob armed with endless mews and tiny claws, they’ve overtaken and destroyed everything in their path.

LET US OUT OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF DESTROYED BOOKS AND POOPS ON THE FLOOR

Since there are so many of them, they’ve become emboldened enough to undertake escape attempts. Like the velociraptors in “Jurassic Park”, they try to open the doors:

Clever girl.

You can’t walk past the sunroom door without being assailed by taunts and demands:

pssst. PSSSST. I pooped on the bookshelf.

If you are stupid enough to enter the room and attempt contact, you’ll likely find yourself in this situation after being climbed like fucking Mount Everest:

How can a cat be only 6 inches tall, yet somehow always have its ass right in your face??

They’ve shredded books. They’ve eaten photographs. They’ve thrown up in their own food bowls and sprayed diarrhea all over the floor right next to their box. Every attempt to enter the room is met with an attempt to escape, usually accomplished by three scaling your legs while the others flee and hide under beds and couches. But there is a silver lining, my friends….

These kittens are healthy and old enough for adoption and are going back to the humane society. After a long and arduous six weeks, it is time for them to find their forever homes, filled with new people that they can forever torture. After tomorrow, I am taking a break from fostering since I plan to be traveling for the holidays and besides that, holy shit I need a break. The nightmare will be over. I will get my sunroom back and it will just be me and my three…..fully grown…….much larger and able to do much more damage….pissed off from lack of attention….holding a grudge and anxiously awaiting the departure of the kittens before they exact their revenge….my own cats….

oh fuck.