Because my cats have been strangely well-behaved as of late, I’ve had to resort to blogging about something else tonight. No doubt its their little cat-attempt to make me look like a fool. “OMG, you have a blog about cats being dicks? We’re angels, watch!” Well, whatever.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the evil of cats truly knows no bounds, so tonight I’ve combined two things I love: cats and Disney movies. You might be asking what my plan is for this, and how I can possibly take little animated cats drawn by Walt and make them look like dicks. Luckily, it’s not a lot of work for me because they do this all on their own. Watch.
Exhibit A: Lucifer in Cinderella
I won’t sugarcoat anything for you, this cat is a straight up DICK. Blame it on the awful vocal stylings of the two ugly-ass stepsisters, or blame it on a cat’s inherent ability to just be an asshole, but CINDERELLA DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SHE’S ALREADY BASICALLY AN ORPHAN. NOW SHE HAS TO START OVER CLEANING THE FLOOR BY HAND (wtf) AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LATE TO THE BALL. HAVE YOU NO SOUL? Of course you don’t, you’re a cat.
Exhibit B: Si and Am in The Lady and the Tramp
This entire video is just… wow. Let’s start with the fact that they’re Siamese cats and named Si and Am. Then the entire scene is basically these two smug cats singing in LOLCat (complete with lisps) antagonizing the only other living things in the room–the dog, the fish, and the bird–all while climbing on tables, knocking flowers over, while poor Lady tries her hardest to save the fish. THEN the baby cries, and my favorite line of this entire movie is said: “Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.” SRSLY? TAKE ENGLISH CLASSES, CATS. To end the scene, they fake being hurt because “that wicked animal” attacked them. Lady is a Cocker Spaniel for god’s sake. She isn’t attacking anything. CATS ARE DICKS.
Exhibit C: Bagheera in The Jungle Book
Basically, Bagheera finds an orphaned Mowgli and tries to feed him to wolves. Luckily, said wolves were in fact not raised by wolves, so Mowgli lives to love another day.
Exhibit D: Alice in Wonderland
ENOUGH of your stupid confusing cat-shenanigans, cat. All Alice wants to do is find the white rabbit and you have to play coy.
Cheshire cat: “By the way…He went that way.”
Alice: “Who did?”
Cheshire Cat: “The white rabbit.”
Alice: “He did?”
Cheshire Cat: “Who did?”
The takeaway from this video is that you’re not getting any help from a talking pink and purple striped cat if you ever find yourself in Wonderland, so just bypass that altogether.
Exhibit E: Basically the entire damn movie, Aristocats
Only a clip, but you get the gist of the rest of the movie. I mean, they’re talking about scales and arpeggios and I’m human and have no clue what that means. The gentleman kittens wear bow ties. The girl cats wear bows and jewelry. The entire movie is just ridiculous, and a small glimpse into what our world would be like if cats ever took over.