So, I’ve been in Canada for the last two weeks, which means that I’ve been cat-less for longer than that. Needless to say, my cats haven’t had the chance to be dicks to me. Instead, they’ve been dicks to their cat-sitters, and their cat-sitters haven’t emailed me about their dick-ish behavior, so therefore I have nothing to report to any of you. For what it’s worth though, I did harass my grandmother’s cat while I was out of the country, and that cat hated it.
HOWEVER, I do have this feel-good, sappy, nearing-Disney-movie-status-type news story to share with the three people that read this blog regularly.
Apparently this stray cat that lives in Massachusetts literally spent an entire week in a tree before it decided that plummeting 80 feet to the ground sounded like a better idea. Seriously, people tried rescuing it a few times, but because ALL CATS ARE DICKS, the cat refused to be rescued, which only meant that firefighters would have to cut the branch down to save it.
Long story short, firefighters cut said branch down, and the world is amazed that a cat survived an 80 foot drop. I have four points to make about this story, and they are as follows: 1. Cats always land on their feet. 2. Cats are always dicks, so duh, you were going to have to pry that dumbass out of the tree. 3. I’m a little upset that this story was the most interesting story that popped up when I googled “Cat News” today. SHIT. 4. To the person that commented, “People that let cats poop in their house are weird,” on the article…thank you.
Cats Are Such Dicks 
These comments are killing me!!
“I wish I were a cat. Cats do their thing and enjoy their life. They know they are not pets.. A cat is a member of the family that it lives with. While dogs eat their own poop, cats are sure to bring in a treat to the family that they live with and leave various offerings of gratitude. Nothing like a rat, dead bird or cockroach on your floor, uneaten and fresh, to prove this point,. I know Americans hate muslims, but muslims understand that cats know how to say thank you.”
“Cats are vile, evil creatures that deserve nothing more than extermination. They cause Mange in humans. I know, because my Uncle caught it as a small boy from playing with a cat, (bald on top of head). They also will kill infants by stealing their breath. They have NO PLACE in society. They kill untold numbers of birds & other wildlife, being as they are a non-native, invasive species. I heard one screeching outside my bedroom window just the other night; a wild, horrific screeching it ’twas. The next morning, I mixed up some D-Con in some kibble & left the “treat” out for the tabby. Lo and behold, I found it’s bloated carcass 2 days later. NOW I know how to deal with these wild, uncontrolled creatures. On top of everything else, they are the ONLY domesticated animal that is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible. Evil they are, just plain ‘ol Evil.”