Things I Say to My Cats

Any good cat lady will talk to her cats and the following list is comprised of things you could catch me saying to my cats on a daily basis:

–“Get off that.”
–“Get down from there.”
–“Quit looking at me like that.”
–“What are you staring at?”
–“Yes, I’m actually going to wear this.”
–“Quit judging me.”
–“Shut up.”
–“Quit yelling.”
–“Knock it off.”
–“Are you f*cking kidding me with that?”
–“You couldn’t manage to puke on the carpet?”


Things that go bump in the night.

It’s November and therefore it’s getting cooler outside. Science.

Also science is outside animals seeking a warmer place to stay, which happens to be indoors. Science is currently taking place between my bedroom wall that is shared with the kitchen and there is an entire family of somethings inside that wall trying to find things made of warm. Which means, that this idiot is losing his damn mind trying to find whatever it is:
And it’s like, okay fine, glad you finally got tired of me yelling GET A JOB at you and you’re finally doing SOMETHING.

But, what in the hell are you going to do once you find the creature? Will you kill it? Will it kill you? Will you injure the poor thing just enough so it’s begging you to put it out of its misery? And where do you plan on torturing your prey? On my bed? You’ve never hunted a day in your damn life, as evidenced by this:



People always react with shock and disbelief followed closely by concern for my well-being when I tell them that I have five cats. (YES FIVE IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, OK?!? Some people have five kids, which is like, fucking bananas to me). I understand that there is a stigma attached to owning several cats, and I get where it comes from. Dogs are full of love and loyalty for their owners, while cats really could not give less of a shit. So if you willingly choose a pet that merely tolerates your existence rather than a pet that dies with happiness every time you so much as glance at it, then there is obviously something fundamentally wrong with you and your life choices.

The way I see it though, I took in these homeless animals and gave them a place to live comfortably. I’m a good person, and I’m definitely not crazy (ed. note: if you want to sound crazy, you should insist that you’re not crazy). So suck it, haters and concerned acquaintances…


I will admit that having five cats really can be a pain in the ass at times though. I have no time to blog, as evidenced by the fact that I never blog. The reason for this is that when I try to do any work at home, this is what happens:

If not for sits, then why is made of warm?
Pay no attention to the lady in the leopard onesie.

It’s times like this when I’m trying to be productive and get shit done while my cats are climbing all over me that I start to wonder if maybe….just maybe….five cats is in fact just a little much. Since that awful show ‘Hoarders’ premiered a few years ago, I’ve gotten more than my fair share of jokes about cat hoarding. I think some people believe that because I have five cats, I must also have a mountain of garbage in my living room and raccoons living in my closet. Thanks for that, A&E! But when I’ve got two cats in my lap, a cat on my keyboard, a cat climbing my leg, and a cat meowing at me from across the room for no discernible reason, I can’t help but start thinking about what it means to be a crazy cat lady or cat hoarder.

So I googled, “Am I a cat hoarder?”.

This might be a question better posed to a mental health professional, but since there’s an internet quiz for it, I’m just gonna do that instead.

Have friends or family expressed concern over the number of cats in your home?

Kind of….but mostly like in a “hahahaha holy shit, you’re insane” sort of way. Not like a call Dr. Phil sort of way.

Do you have cats that run away when you get near them?

Yes, but I’m pretty sure it’s because they know I’m going to hug them. They’re not dogs; they aren’t putting up with that shit.

Are you sacrificing your own basic needs for your cats?

Is privacy a basic need? Because they are super weird about sitting across from me while I’m on the toilet.

Do you refuse to let people into your house because of your cats?

I refuse to let people into my house, but that has more to do with the fact that I hate most people.

Do your cats continually have kittens?

No, spay and neuter your pets for fucks sake, people.

Have you been unable to clean or make needed repairs to your home?

The not cleaning thing is more a result of laziness…

Have you received warnings about your cats?

No, but I have received warnings about getting drunk and breaking bottles in my own driveway. Because we live in Soviet fucking Russia I guess and I am not a free American on my own goddamn property.

Have you become increasingly ill?

This is kind of a personal question for an internet quiz to be asking. Mind your own beeswax, internet quiz.

Do you believe that nobody else could care for the cats like you do?

Yes, but it’s because I’m the only person that will put up with their high maintenance bullshittery.

So according to the internet, it doesn’t seem to me like I am actually hoarding cats. Knowing this makes me feel a little relieved, and now I can just tell anyone that asks that I took an internet quiz and I’m definitely not crazy (see previous note on insisting that you’re not crazy). Of course, while this does absolve me from hoarder status, it doesn’t exclude me from another category of which I suspect I am doomed to become a member….


Oh well. Fuck it.