Author: catsaresuchdicks

I’ll just let this speak for itself:

Any good cat lady will talk to her cats and the following list is comprised of things you could catch me saying to my cats on a daily basis:

–“Get off that.”
–“Get down from there.”
–“Quit looking at me like that.”
–“What are you staring at?”
–“Yes, I’m actually going to wear this.”
–“Quit judging me.”
–“Shut up.”
–“Quit yelling.”
–“Knock it off.”
–“Are you f*cking kidding me with that?”
–“You couldn’t manage to puke on the carpet?”

It’s November and therefore it’s getting cooler outside. Science.

Also science is outside animals seeking a warmer place to stay, which happens to be indoors. Science is currently taking place between my bedroom wall that is shared with the kitchen and there is an entire family of somethings inside that wall trying to find things made of warm. Which means, that this idiot is losing his damn mind trying to find whatever it is:

And it’s like, okay fine, glad you finally got tired of me yelling GET A JOB at you and you’re finally doing SOMETHING.

But, what in the hell are you going to do once you find the creature? Will you kill it? Will it kill you? Will you injure the poor thing just enough so it’s begging you to put it out of its misery? And where do you plan on torturing your prey? On my bed? You’ve never hunted a day in your damn life, as evidenced by this:

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. IT’S IN THE WALL, NOT RINGING THE DOORBELL.

See what I did there?

Suzanne and I only use Snapchat in the following ways:

And the encore:

Humans and the Internet alike lost their damn minds yesterday because it was National Cat Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for kitten delivery (someone send me some kittens). However, what humans and the Internet did NOT realize is that, every damn day is National Cat Day because CATS ARE SUCH DICKS.

Here’s a brief history about the creation of National Cat Day:

• Fact: National Cat Day was not created by humans. It was created by cats.
• Fact: National Cat Day is not about recognizing the magical creature that is the cat.
• Fact: National Cat Day was created by cats for the sake of making humans look completely stupid for one entire day a year and to win all of the Internets.

Trixie is one of my mother’s cats, and this cat is notorious for doing some of the dumbest shit and being caught in the dumbest locations. Let’s follow Trixie on a typical day in her life.

Step 1:

Wake up around noon. Rub cute cat face. Repeat as needed.

Step 2: 

Start day by locating the most difficult place in the house to sit. Struggle to get up there.

Step 3: 

When you’ve achieved this first goal, yell loudly about it until someone notices what you’ve done and gives you treats.

Step 4:

Find the warmest place in the house and take a nap. You’ve had a fairly full day already. Treat yo’self.

Step 5: 

After you’ve napped in the warmest place, you should also take a nap in the darkest place. Pro-tip: If these places happen to be the same location, nap twice.

Step 6: 

Nap time(s) is over! Time for play. Find a nice cabinet to get stuck in. Pro-tip: It really scares the humans when you disappear and they think you’ve gone between the wall and the cabinets, so do that if possible.

Step 7: 

Once you’ve been ripped from the cabinets and your playtime is over, lay in dramatic fashion on the kitchen floor. The humans will think something is wrong with you and you’ll get noms from them. If they don’t give you noms, you’re strategically placed to catch all the falling noms.

Step 8:

It’s bedtime now. But instead of sleeping in your room, go under the couch. Tear up the lining underneath it, and hide there until the human goes to sleep. Then watch for the next 45 minutes as the human yells your name and shakes cans of food for you. Finally give in when she says “Trixie, you want some treats?”