Tag: cats are assholes

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If not made for sits, why made of warm?

I’ve been through this before. Cats like to sit in the most unwelcoming of places: sinks, stoves, suitcases, on cell phones, in front of remote control sensors for TVs, arm rests, on pillows when you’re trying to lay on them, books and magazines when you’re trying to read…the list is endless. Basically, cats are saboteurs of all things humans enjoy.

Browning’s favorite spot to lay is on my computer. More specifically, only on my computer when I’m actually trying to get shit done. He never notices it exists otherwise.

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And yeah, you can’t really tell, but I was definitely looking at cat GIFs before I was so rudely interrupted.

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Tardar Sauce: the Grumpy Cat

By now (unless you’ve been living under a rock), you’ve probably heard about the latest Internet cat sensation that STILL isn’t our cats.

His name is freaking Tardar Sauce, and he’s known as the grumpiest cat, because, well… he looks like an asshole, ALL OF THE TIME. Like, physically, he can’t help it because he was made that way.

If you want to read more about him, you can click here. If you just want to see funny pictures of this cat being a dick, then keep scrolling…and then you can click here for even more pictures.

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Cats only pretend they know what they’re doing.

Cats exude quasi confidence.

Walking on a one inch wide window ledge? Doesn’t even matter if they fall because they meant to do it. Eating fake flowers? They just love puking up plastic. Accidentally sitting their cat asses on your plugged-in flat iron? Hello, their hair was starting to crimp.

So, it’s no surprise that these two assholes pretended to be able to track and kill a fly all day long yesterday.

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I became involved AFTER they put holes in my curtains and JUST before they tore the blinds off the damn wall.

Who knew you could capture so much stupid in one picture.

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Texas Woman Shoots Her Husband Over Argument About Cat

So, as I was googling Cat News today…

I stumbled upon this little gem of a headline. This story is particularly funny to me for three reasons (and the guy didn’t die, so everyone just relax):

  1. This took place in Texas.
  2. More specifically, this took place in Houston (of COURSE).
  3. Investigators say the couple owns multiple cats, so they’re not exactly sure which cat is the instigator.

But apparently, when Audrey Deen Miller’s husband threatened to hurt the cat, she lost her shit and shot him in the stomach. To read the article written by a more-respectable journalist than myself, you can click here I guess.

More importantly, the cat wasn’t hurt. Most importantly, CATS ARE STILL DICKS. I’d just love to know what shenanigans this little asshole was up to before all hell broke loose.

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Mine, again.

This isn’t the first blog post like this, and it won’t be the last because cats are selfish and greedy little assholes predisposed to believe that everything you own is somehow theirs. Even though they’re cats, and what the hell are they going to do with a cheese grater? It doesn’t stop them.

Last night I stopped by Hobby Lobby to pick up a few things; one thing being a flower made out of burlap, AKA cat nip, apparently.

Phase 1: Discovery.

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Phase 2: Surveillance, AKA “Did Quigley see this?”

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Phase 3: Drag Prey to Make Believe Cat Cave and Then Remember You Don’t Have Thumbs.

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Phase 4: Save Face by Rubbing Your Scent All Over it Instead, AKA: WIN.

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Keeping Up with Kim Kardashian’s Kitten

Let me preface this blog by saying I think Kim Kardashian is the biggest douchebag of this century. That said, I’ll watch their reality show until the death of me.

Last week, Kim started tweeting pictures of her new kitten–some teacup Persian bullshit white fluffy thing that probably cost a couple thousand dollars. This is Mercy (…because Kanye wrote a song about Kim called “Perfect Bitch,” Kim returned the favor by naming her cat after a Kanye song?):

The first thing I’d like to say about this picture is thank god I’m not a celebrity, because my two dickhead cats would NEVER let me carry them around Beverly Hills or SoHo like that. Instead, they’d rip holes in my Dolce & Gabbana clothes and then dart off into traffic and get run over by some rich asshole’s Lamborghini Mercy-elago (see what I did there?).

Secondly, yeah, that cat is pretty damn cute. But guess what it turns into, Kim?

This:

Because this is my blog, I’d also like to say I’m tired of celebrities getting kittens and the entire world freaking the hell out about it and being like, “OMG, DID YOU SEE TAYLOR SWIFT’S NEW KITTEN?” “ZOMG, KIM K GOT A KITTEN, HOW CUTE ARE CATS? I TOTALLY NEED A CAT NOW.” For years, people have called me a cat lady…and all of a sudden these two assholes get cats, and cats are cool. Guess what, assholes? Their cats shed all over the place, throw up on carpet, and shit in a box just like mine do, so enough with the judging.

And, this is just because I hate Taylor Swift:

Maybe she should start writing songs about all the shitty things her cat does to her? Call me maybe, Taylor.

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Shameless.

Cats have no shame, and neither do I, because that is definitely a pair of my underwear around his neck.

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This wasn’t a planned photo either, which is hilarious. I just tossed them on my bed and that’s how they landed. It’s like throwing horseshoes…but with cats.