The counter is for sits.

I got home one day last week, and decided to just stand in my kitchen to see how Browning would react. He spent about 5 minutes sitting on the floor meowing at me. Then he decided to jump up on the counter directly across from me, as to be the same height as me.


In the photo above, he clearly knows that his little cat ass does not belong on the counter…but he’s going to sit there anyway.


“Hmm, maybe if I look over here, she’ll stop staring.”


“I’ll try direct eye contact with this bitch I guess.”


And, Browning’s ultimate way to say, “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR COUNTER!” is with this stupid face.


Trying to Craft with Cats.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before

A few days ago I was feeling pretty crafty. So instead of going out and getting drunk that Friday night, I made a trip to Hobby Lobby instead. On the agenda? Curse word coasters made out of Scrabble tiles, of course.



I get back to my apartment, lay all my craft supplies out, and then this starts happening.


That’s those two assholes playing with shit behind my back.

And, let’s fast forward 10 minutes.


Those leftover Scrabble tiles are now scattered all around my room. And they hurt like hell when I step on them in the middle of the night. All part of their plan I’m sure.

Ps–There’s only one letter k tile in a Scrabble box, so you’ll be forced to choose “dick” or “fuck.”


Another cat making another stupid face.

This is by far, one of the dumbest faces I’ve ever caught him making. And even though he’s the one that’s been caught looking like a douche, I can’t help but feel like he’s mocking me for being in bed at 5 pm.



Leave my cheez-its alone, dick.

I make no effort to work out or eat healthy. If you know me at all, chances are you know THAT about me. Well, that’s not true. In November I bought a gym membership, so we’ll call that progress.

The other night I was laying in bed, and alternating between eating cheez-its and Cheeto puffs, when this asshole right here started eyeing my dinner.


He started off stealing glances at them nonchalantly and then blatantly went in for the kill.


I’d like to believe that him stealing them is his little cute cat way of preventing me from becoming obese. But I know better than that.


Cats are always real pleased with themselves.

Whether they’ve just spent five minutes in the litter box, broken a wine glass, slept away the entire day, or knocked over a glass of water…cats are always really damn pleased with themselves and don’t really ever think about changing any of their asshole habits.

Just look at this asshole right here:


And then there’s this asshole:


Real damn pleased with himself.


Cats are always JUST out of reach.

Cats, as a rule of thumb, exist to complicate our lives. If you’ve ever watched them, you know they’ll take the most complicated route from point A to point B, making sure to go over chairs, under tables and beds, and behind and over boxes before they get there.

Mine also eat a piece of food at a time. Browning sits in front of his bowl, carefully selects a morsel and puts it in his mouth, and then backs away from the bowl to actually eat it. Then repeats the process for each piece of stupid food. They do shit like this to annoy the hell out of cat owners. See my blog on passive-aggressive cats.

Cats are also sure to remain just out of reach, so that when you do feel like petting them and giving them the damn attention they throw fits for, they do this shit: