How One Cat Escalated from Jewelry Theft to Attempted Murder in Just One Week

SUNDAY

Attempts to steal my David Yurman necklace, probably to sell on the internet in order to procure funds to hire someone to kill me.

MONDAY

Holds owner hostage. Attempts to prevent communication with the outside world.

TUESDAY

Realizes his previous attempt to sever owner’s ability to send a distress signal has failed. Tries new tactic.

WEDNESDAY

Attempts to control owner through food deprivation; learned on the internet that starvation tactics may make his hostage more cooperative.

THURSDAY

No explanation required.

FRIDAY

Watches an internet video of a blind kitten playing with his first toy. TRIES TO STEAL TOYS FROM A BLIND KITTEN.

SATURDAY

ATTEMPTED MURDER.