Cats Continue Bid for Complete World Domination

In cat news today, it’s been decided that Hasbro’s Monopoly game (or as I like to call it, “that game that never ends where everyone just ends up walking away”) will add a new game piece to the arsenal. Being as this is cat blog, anyone want to take a guess at what the new piece is going to be?

That’s right. Monopoly fans voting in 120 countries (I really don’t see the point in making this a global decision, btw) have voted to get rid of the iron piece (that’s what that was!) and instead, replace it with a cat. Take a look at this dick:

Monopoly New Token

 

Look at how smug that cat is. It’s perfect. Oh, and I really don’t understand how it took this long to add a cat because there has been a dog piece forever. DISCRIMINATION.

Cats don’t care and will totally eat your last treat out from under your face.

I found these treats at Target that have catnip in them so naturally I bought them. I didn’t buy them because my cats behave all the time and need to be rewarded, or for the extra 2 calories in each treat that these fat assholes definitely don’t need.

I bought them because catnip makes these morons lose their damn minds just from smelling it (okay, Quigley sometimes eats dried catnip but he doesn’t know any better), so imagine if they actually INGESTED it?

Well, I never get to witness them losing their minds because every time I give them some, Browing scarfs his down quickly and then shuffles his fat ass over to Quigley’s pile and eats those, and this behavior makes me want nothing to do with them.

I even put them in two separate piles.

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Doesn’t work. Browning must eat all the treats.

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O RLY?

I’ve blogged before about cats mocking you when you do things like cleaning and unpacking, and just general things like cats complicating your life when you’re trying to get shit done. I was cleaning a few days ago, which is a strange occurrence in the first place.

Then this happens:

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So, basically, you’d like me to believe that you’re perfectly comfortable standing in a square inch of space?

I’ve been MIA and for that I apologize.

So, I’ve been in Canada for the last two weeks, which means that I’ve been cat-less for longer than that. Needless to say, my cats haven’t had the chance to be dicks to me. Instead, they’ve been dicks to their cat-sitters, and their cat-sitters haven’t emailed me about their dick-ish behavior, so therefore I have nothing to report to any of you. For what it’s worth though, I did harass my grandmother’s cat while I was out of the country, and that cat hated it.

HOWEVER, I do have this feel-good, sappy, nearing-Disney-movie-status-type news story to share with the three people that read this blog regularly.

Apparently this stray cat that lives in Massachusetts literally spent an entire week in a tree before it decided that plummeting 80 feet to the ground sounded like a better idea. Seriously, people tried rescuing it a few times, but because ALL CATS ARE DICKS, the cat refused to be rescued, which only meant that firefighters would have to cut the branch down to save it.

Long story short, firefighters cut said branch down, and the world is amazed that a cat survived an 80 foot drop. I have four points to make about this story, and they are as follows: 1. Cats always land on their feet. 2. Cats are always dicks, so duh, you were going to have to pry that dumbass out of the tree. 3. I’m a little upset that this story was the most interesting story that popped up when I googled “Cat News” today. SHIT. 4. To the person that commented, “People that let cats poop in their house are weird,” on the article…thank you.

What do you mean I’m on the naughty list?

If cats believed in Christmas, all cats would get coal because they’re evil fur covered assholes that unnecessarily complicate their owner’s lives on a daily basis. And they wouldn’t even feel remorseful about it. But they don’t believe in Christmas because they’re dicks and would never, ever, like, ever believe in something so magical simply because it makes the entire planet happy and love each other for a night.

It seems this asshole didn’t get the memo because he’s still checking Santa’s nice list for his name.

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I’ll save you the time so you can quickly return to not doing a damn thing…It’s not there because you’ve spent the last year puking on the carpet, eating my fresh flowers, dumping my glasses of water, and sprinting laps on the bed every morning.

“Keep Away from Small Children and Animals” aka “Blah Blah Watch What This Dumb Cat Does”

Because it was Thanksgiving, I spent a couple days at my parents’ house. This is always a blessing because my mom’s cats are bigger dicks than my own and provide me with filler content.

Take this picture for example.

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That’s my mom’s cat Peanut. Peanut is Browning’s daughter and basically the biggest dick of a cat I’ve ever met. If you upset her, she’ll shit in the bathtub to inconvenience you. True story.

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Peanut couldn’t stand that there were cat toys in that bag. More specifically she couldn’t stand that said cat toys were not for her.

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Obviously the next logical step in this scenario is to get stuck in the bag to somehow sabotage the toys for the intended cats.

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The next logical step is to walk off, owning the fact that you’re stuck in a bag and it was exactly what you meant to do.

[Disclaimer: No animals were hurt. Peanut is alive and well and probably shitting in a bathtub right now.]

That one time we went to a cat circus.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cat circus? That’s not even a real thing.” Well, you skeptic, it most certainly is a real thing and this blog serves as proof.

Suzanne came to Austin (so, now you know where I live…please don’t stalk me) Friday night. As fate would have it, there was also a cat circus in town the same night. So, duh we had to get tickets to that.

Naturally, we couldn’t show up to this thing sober because neither of us really knew what the hell to expect out of this. And, because it was on the east side of Austin, we weren’t sure if we’d die or not, and no one wants to die sober.

We walked into the little theatre and were immediately warned to close the door because there was a loose cat running around somewhere. We both got really excited at this point and wanted to find the loose cat. Editor’s note: there was no loose cat, so that was some bullshit.

We finally found seats (all six performances were sold out…I’ve truly missed my calling) and waited for the show to begin. The ring master came out, and was dressed like a character from Josie and the Pussycats–I’m talking cat ears and crushed velvet from head to toe. It was purrfect.

She has about 12 different cats kenneled that she pulls out at different times throughout the show, depending on what trick she’s trying to get them to perform–there were a couple hoop jumping cats, a skateboard cat, tight rope walking cat, shopping cart pushing cat, instrument playing cats, tight rope walking cat. I say ‘trying to perform’ because cats are dicks (celebrity performer cats included), and a good 80% of the time she let each cat out of its kennel to perform, it just walked out and stretched and sat down, and begged for its treat like it had done something spectacular.

20121119-190218.jpgThat’s a cat riding a skateboard.

20121119-190315.jpgThis was the star of the show–a bitchy cat named Tuna. Prior to the show ending, we were warned not to touch Tuna because Tuna is a huge dick who hates humans and doesn’t like being petted and doesn’t enjoy other signs of affection either. So, naturally I tried to touch Tuna (because I WANT TO HUG ALL THE CATS but I can’t) and honestly, I’ve never been more scared for my life. That cat is 100% evil.

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Here we are with the star of the show. Suzanne is terrified. And this was before I tried to pet her, so I still thought I stood a chance and could make her love me. I was let down approximately 45 seconds after this photo.

The best part of the entire show actually had nothing to do with cats. A guy in the audience attempted to start a slow clap and it went a little something like this…

 

Nightmare Fuel

Some people look into their pet’s eyes and see human qualities…love, compassion, empathy, understanding…. I’m specifically talking about dog people of course because cats experience none of these emotions.

I do see certain things when I look into my cats’ eyes though….with Jaegar, I see a half bored interest in food and with Isis, I see hatred tempered by a mild surprise/disappointment that I’m not dead yet.

But with Ernest….with Ernest, I see things that can be neither understood nor forgotten. It can best be described as looking into “The Nothing” from my favorite acid trip of a movie from childhood, ‘The NeverEnding Story’. “The Nothing” is a void of darkness that consumes everything…and that, my friends, is what lurks beneath these hardened eyes:

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So there’s a nice little dose of fuel for your nightmares tonight. Goodnight, dear readers!

Dick Cats in Disney Movies

Because my cats have been strangely well-behaved as of late, I’ve had to resort to blogging about something else tonight. No doubt its their little cat-attempt to make me look like a fool. “OMG, you have a blog about cats being dicks? We’re angels, watch!” Well, whatever.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the evil of cats truly knows no bounds, so tonight I’ve combined two things I love: cats and Disney movies. You might be asking what my plan is for this, and how I can possibly take little animated cats drawn by Walt and make them look like dicks. Luckily, it’s not a lot of work for me because they do this all on their own. Watch.

Exhibit A: Lucifer in Cinderella

I won’t sugarcoat anything for you, this cat is a straight up DICK. Blame it on the awful vocal stylings of the two ugly-ass stepsisters, or blame it on a cat’s inherent ability to just be an asshole, but CINDERELLA DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SHE’S ALREADY BASICALLY AN ORPHAN. NOW SHE HAS TO START OVER CLEANING THE FLOOR BY HAND (wtf) AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LATE TO THE BALL. HAVE YOU NO SOUL? Of course you don’t, you’re a cat.

Exhibit B: Si and Am in The Lady and the Tramp

This entire video is just… wow. Let’s start with the fact that they’re Siamese cats and named Si and Am. Then the entire scene is basically these two smug cats singing in LOLCat (complete with lisps) antagonizing the only other living things in the room–the dog, the fish, and the bird–all while climbing on tables, knocking flowers over, while poor Lady tries her hardest to save the fish. THEN the baby cries, and my favorite line of this entire movie is said: “Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.” SRSLY? TAKE ENGLISH CLASSES, CATS. ┬áTo end the scene, they fake being hurt because “that wicked animal” attacked them. Lady is a Cocker Spaniel for god’s sake. She isn’t attacking anything. CATS ARE DICKS.

Exhibit C: Bagheera in The Jungle Book

Basically, Bagheera finds an orphaned Mowgli and tries to feed him to wolves. Luckily, said wolves were in fact not raised by wolves, so Mowgli lives to love another day.

Exhibit D: Alice in Wonderland

ENOUGH of your stupid confusing cat-shenanigans, cat. All Alice wants to do is find the white rabbit and you have to play coy.

Cheshire cat: “By the way…He went that way.”

Alice: “Who did?”

Cheshire Cat: “The white rabbit.”

Alice: “He did?”

Cheshire Cat: “Who did?”

The takeaway from this video is that you’re not getting any help from a talking pink and purple striped cat if you ever find yourself in Wonderland, so just bypass that altogether.

Exhibit E: Basically the entire damn movie, Aristocats

Only a clip, but you get the gist of the rest of the movie. I mean, they’re talking about scales and arpeggios and I’m human and have no clue what that means. The gentleman kittens wear bow ties. The girl cats wear bows and jewelry. The entire movie is just ridiculous, and a small glimpse into what our world would be like if cats ever took over.