Adventures in camping

So my sister is one of those people who believes her dog is a human. As such, in preparation for a camping trip we’re going to take, naturally we needed to buy the dog’s tent first.

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Within 5 minutes, dog jumps out of the tent and resumes her post on the couch. And then this happens:

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What are you doing in there? You would HATE camping.

How One Cat Escalated from Jewelry Theft to Attempted Murder in Just One Week

SUNDAY

Attempts to steal my David Yurman necklace, probably to sell on the internet in order to procure funds to hire someone to kill me.

MONDAY

Holds owner hostage. Attempts to prevent communication with the outside world.

TUESDAY

Realizes his previous attempt to sever owner’s ability to send a distress signal has failed. Tries new tactic.

WEDNESDAY

Attempts to control owner through food deprivation; learned on the internet that starvation tactics may make his hostage more cooperative.

THURSDAY

No explanation required.

FRIDAY

Watches an internet video of a blind kitten playing with his first toy. TRIES TO STEAL TOYS FROM A BLIND KITTEN.

SATURDAY

ATTEMPTED MURDER.

That one time we went to a cat circus.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cat circus? That’s not even a real thing.” Well, you skeptic, it most certainly is a real thing and this blog serves as proof.

Suzanne came to Austin (so, now you know where I live…please don’t stalk me) Friday night. As fate would have it, there was also a cat circus in town the same night. So, duh we had to get tickets to that.

Naturally, we couldn’t show up to this thing sober because neither of us really knew what the hell to expect out of this. And, because it was on the east side of Austin, we weren’t sure if we’d die or not, and no one wants to die sober.

We walked into the little theatre and were immediately warned to close the door because there was a loose cat running around somewhere. We both got really excited at this point and wanted to find the loose cat. Editor’s note: there was no loose cat, so that was some bullshit.

We finally found seats (all six performances were sold out…I’ve truly missed my calling) and waited for the show to begin. The ring master came out, and was dressed like a character from Josie and the Pussycats–I’m talking cat ears and crushed velvet from head to toe. It was purrfect.

She has about 12 different cats kenneled that she pulls out at different times throughout the show, depending on what trick she’s trying to get them to perform–there were a couple hoop jumping cats, a skateboard cat, tight rope walking cat, shopping cart pushing cat, instrument playing cats, tight rope walking cat. I say ‘trying to perform’ because cats are dicks (celebrity performer cats included), and a good 80% of the time she let each cat out of its kennel to perform, it just walked out and stretched and sat down, and begged for its treat like it had done something spectacular.

20121119-190218.jpgThat’s a cat riding a skateboard.

20121119-190315.jpgThis was the star of the show–a bitchy cat named Tuna. Prior to the show ending, we were warned not to touch Tuna because Tuna is a huge dick who hates humans and doesn’t like being petted and doesn’t enjoy other signs of affection either. So, naturally I tried to touch Tuna (because I WANT TO HUG ALL THE CATS but I can’t) and honestly, I’ve never been more scared for my life. That cat is 100% evil.

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Here we are with the star of the show. Suzanne is terrified. And this was before I tried to pet her, so I still thought I stood a chance and could make her love me. I was let down approximately 45 seconds after this photo.

The best part of the entire show actually had nothing to do with cats. A guy in the audience attempted to start a slow clap and it went a little something like this…

 

Dick Cats in Disney Movies

Because my cats have been strangely well-behaved as of late, I’ve had to resort to blogging about something else tonight. No doubt its their little cat-attempt to make me look like a fool. “OMG, you have a blog about cats being dicks? We’re angels, watch!” Well, whatever.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the evil of cats truly knows no bounds, so tonight I’ve combined two things I love: cats and Disney movies. You might be asking what my plan is for this, and how I can possibly take little animated cats drawn by Walt and make them look like dicks. Luckily, it’s not a lot of work for me because they do this all on their own. Watch.

Exhibit A: Lucifer in Cinderella

I won’t sugarcoat anything for you, this cat is a straight up DICK. Blame it on the awful vocal stylings of the two ugly-ass stepsisters, or blame it on a cat’s inherent ability to just be an asshole, but CINDERELLA DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SHE’S ALREADY BASICALLY AN ORPHAN. NOW SHE HAS TO START OVER CLEANING THE FLOOR BY HAND (wtf) AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LATE TO THE BALL. HAVE YOU NO SOUL? Of course you don’t, you’re a cat.

Exhibit B: Si and Am in The Lady and the Tramp

This entire video is just… wow. Let’s start with the fact that they’re Siamese cats and named Si and Am. Then the entire scene is basically these two smug cats singing in LOLCat (complete with lisps) antagonizing the only other living things in the room–the dog, the fish, and the bird–all while climbing on tables, knocking flowers over, while poor Lady tries her hardest to save the fish. THEN the baby cries, and my favorite line of this entire movie is said: “Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.” SRSLY? TAKE ENGLISH CLASSES, CATS. ย To end the scene, they fake being hurt because “that wicked animal” attacked them. Lady is a Cocker Spaniel for god’s sake. She isn’t attacking anything. CATS ARE DICKS.

Exhibit C: Bagheera in The Jungle Book

Basically, Bagheera finds an orphaned Mowgli and tries to feed him to wolves. Luckily, said wolves were in fact not raised by wolves, so Mowgli lives to love another day.

Exhibit D: Alice in Wonderland

ENOUGH of your stupid confusing cat-shenanigans, cat. All Alice wants to do is find the white rabbit and you have to play coy.

Cheshire cat: “By the way…He went that way.”

Alice: “Who did?”

Cheshire Cat: “The white rabbit.”

Alice: “He did?”

Cheshire Cat: “Who did?”

The takeaway from this video is that you’re not getting any help from a talking pink and purple striped cat if you ever find yourself in Wonderland, so just bypass that altogether.

Exhibit E: Basically the entire damn movie, Aristocats

Only a clip, but you get the gist of the rest of the movie. I mean, they’re talking about scales and arpeggios and I’m human and have no clue what that means. The gentleman kittens wear bow ties. The girl cats wear bows and jewelry. The entire movie is just ridiculous, and a small glimpse into what our world would be like if cats ever took over.

Cat Card #1: Fake Disinterest

So, last week, I was bored and Browning was laying next to me and he looked bored as hell too, so I googled “cat games for computers.” I came across this “game” that looked like it was basically from the Netscape Navigator-era, like I could count pixels, but Browning seemed to be slightly impressed so I let it play.

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He was interested.

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Here he’s saying “ZOMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRR.”

Then as soon as he realized I captured him looking impressed on camera, he promptly pulled Cat Card #1 and faked disinterest.

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