How One Cat Escalated from Jewelry Theft to Attempted Murder in Just One Week

SUNDAY

Attempts to steal my David Yurman necklace, probably to sell on the internet in order to procure funds to hire someone to kill me.

MONDAY

Holds owner hostage. Attempts to prevent communication with the outside world.

TUESDAY

Realizes his previous attempt to sever owner’s ability to send a distress signal has failed. Tries new tactic.

WEDNESDAY

Attempts to control owner through food deprivation; learned on the internet that starvation tactics may make his hostage more cooperative.

THURSDAY

No explanation required.

FRIDAY

Watches an internet video of a blind kitten playing with his first toy. TRIES TO STEAL TOYS FROM A BLIND KITTEN.

SATURDAY

ATTEMPTED MURDER.

Dick Cats in Disney Movies

Because my cats have been strangely well-behaved as of late, I’ve had to resort to blogging about something else tonight. No doubt its their little cat-attempt to make me look like a fool. “OMG, you have a blog about cats being dicks? We’re angels, watch!” Well, whatever.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that the evil of cats truly knows no bounds, so tonight I’ve combined two things I love: cats and Disney movies. You might be asking what my plan is for this, and how I can possibly take little animated cats drawn by Walt and make them look like dicks. Luckily, it’s not a lot of work for me because they do this all on their own. Watch.

Exhibit A: Lucifer in Cinderella

I won’t sugarcoat anything for you, this cat is a straight up DICK. Blame it on the awful vocal stylings of the two ugly-ass stepsisters, or blame it on a cat’s inherent ability to just be an asshole, but CINDERELLA DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SHE’S ALREADY BASICALLY AN ORPHAN. NOW SHE HAS TO START OVER CLEANING THE FLOOR BY HAND (wtf) AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LATE TO THE BALL. HAVE YOU NO SOUL? Of course you don’t, you’re a cat.

Exhibit B: Si and Am in The Lady and the Tramp

This entire video is just… wow. Let’s start with the fact that they’re Siamese cats and named Si and Am. Then the entire scene is basically these two smug cats singing in LOLCat (complete with lisps) antagonizing the only other living things in the room–the dog, the fish, and the bird–all while climbing on tables, knocking flowers over, while poor Lady tries her hardest to save the fish. THEN the baby cries, and my favorite line of this entire movie is said: “Where we finding baby, there are milk nearby.” SRSLY? TAKE ENGLISH CLASSES, CATS.  To end the scene, they fake being hurt because “that wicked animal” attacked them. Lady is a Cocker Spaniel for god’s sake. She isn’t attacking anything. CATS ARE DICKS.

Exhibit C: Bagheera in The Jungle Book

Basically, Bagheera finds an orphaned Mowgli and tries to feed him to wolves. Luckily, said wolves were in fact not raised by wolves, so Mowgli lives to love another day.

Exhibit D: Alice in Wonderland

ENOUGH of your stupid confusing cat-shenanigans, cat. All Alice wants to do is find the white rabbit and you have to play coy.

Cheshire cat: “By the way…He went that way.”

Alice: “Who did?”

Cheshire Cat: “The white rabbit.”

Alice: “He did?”

Cheshire Cat: “Who did?”

The takeaway from this video is that you’re not getting any help from a talking pink and purple striped cat if you ever find yourself in Wonderland, so just bypass that altogether.

Exhibit E: Basically the entire damn movie, Aristocats

Only a clip, but you get the gist of the rest of the movie. I mean, they’re talking about scales and arpeggios and I’m human and have no clue what that means. The gentleman kittens wear bow ties. The girl cats wear bows and jewelry. The entire movie is just ridiculous, and a small glimpse into what our world would be like if cats ever took over.

A cat making a real stupid face.

One of my favorite pastimes is making these asshole cats look like even bigger assholes. I mean, what are they gonna do about it? Nothing really because I feed them and pay their rent.

I know we said that we didn’t care about your cats because this blog was about our cats. But this stupid picture was too great to pass up.

Just a little background information. My mom has two cats: Peanut, which is a sibling to my big stupid white cat, and Trixie, who is hands down the fattest cat I’ve ever seen.

Peanut fancies herself a crap in the bathtub every once in a while. She’s an asshole like that. When she isn’t crapping in the tub, she’s doing this:

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–Catherine

It’s their world. And I’m just living in it.

One of my cats…Browning, especially likes being an asshole and he especially enjoys mocking any daily domestic activity that I might actually be caught doing. It’s no secret. I hate cleaning. And being the owner of a very fluffy stupid white cat, it becomes an issue. Eventually.

So, tonight I wanted to start a load of dishes. Naturally, I go under the sink to get a dishwasher soap packet thing… This asshole thinks it’s funny that I’m doing something domestic. This is what he does.

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Once in there, he chooses to examine the pipes.

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Once he decides the pipes meet his standards, he decides to go to the complete opposite corner of the cabinets.

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When I try to retrieve his ass, he pulls the “go limp and stiff and extend your legs to knock everything over that you possibly can while also finding a way to dig your nails into your human’s arm” move that these assholes are so known for.

Really makes you wanna never do housework.

-Catherine