Cats only pretend to not pay attention.

So, I have this bookcase in my apartment full of books (obvs) and random cute shit I find to collect dust.

I went to Target after work, so naturally I found more random cute shit to clutter my shelves with. My new vase/flower combination had been on its shelf for a total of five minutes when what to my wondering eyes should appear? This asshole trying to knock it off the shelf.


The next time you think they’re ignoring you and don’t give a shit about what you’re doing…think again. They’re watching you and waiting to strike.


This coffee table is a perfect place for me to yack.

I’ve blogged about how Browning and Quigley go out of their ways to attack me when I’m using a nail file. Refresher:


So I tried using a different nail file to avoid being bothered. After I was finished, I put it on the coffee table. 3 seconds later, this asshole is on the table batting at it.


He continues this for about 3 minutes, and then gets this weird look on his face that he always gets before he yacks something up.

So, he started yacking. On my file. On my coffee table.


Well I was drinking that, but you go right ahead: Part two.

Cats are notorious for taking, drinking, eating, scratching, spilling, and sitting on anything that’s yours.

So, Browning decided to help himself to a little of my holiday spirit I decided to have:


As it turns out, these little furry douchebags can’t taste sweets, so my eggnog was a complete bust for him.

Catherine:1, Browning:397.

Cats are even jealous of Christmas: The Sequel.

In November, I told you the story about how cats have a general hatred for everything, and even find room in their tiny icy hearts to be jealous of Christmas.

Fast forward to December 13. I’ve done most of my Christmas shopping so I finally bought gift bags and wrapping paper and planned on wrapping gifts tonight. Well, that was a great idea in theory until I realized I didn’t have tape. And not just scotch tape. I don’t have duct tape. Or electrical tape. So I figured a glue stick would suffice to hold the paper around the boxes. That didn’t work either because being the asshole I am, I bought wrapping paper covered in glitter. Glue stick doesn’t stick to glitter. Moving on.

So, I begin to put the gifts that don’t require wrapping into gift bags, when I come across this problem right here:


Browning has made himself comfortable front and center, while Quigley is still unsure about the situation and decides to survey.


Quigley jets, and Browning continues to be an asshole. He’s basically daring me to wrap him up and give him away.

And finally, the grooming stage. You know your cats have reached the optimum “I don’t give a shit what you’re doing” level when they begin grooming themselves. Cats even hate Christmas.



My cats have this little act they do where they sense that I’ll be coming home from work, and they’ll be coincidentally sitting in the kitchen waiting for me when I open the door. As if I really think they do other shit during the day than laying in my bed.

Now I have proof:


Really Quigley? You didn’t think I’d notice ALL that white hair on my red sheets? This is only from a day’s worth of lounging. LINT ROLL YOURSELF, ASSHOLE.

Cats are always JUST out of reach.

Cats, as a rule of thumb, exist to complicate our lives. If you’ve ever watched them, you know they’ll take the most complicated route from point A to point B, making sure to go over chairs, under tables and beds, and behind and over boxes before they get there.

Mine also eat a piece of food at a time. Browning sits in front of his bowl, carefully selects a morsel and puts it in his mouth, and then backs away from the bowl to actually eat it. Then repeats the process for each piece of stupid food. They do shit like this to annoy the hell out of cat owners. See my blog on passive-aggressive cats.

Cats are also sure to remain just out of reach, so that when you do feel like petting them and giving them the damn attention they throw fits for, they do this shit:



Cats are passive-aggressive.

Cats can’t speak, and thank god for that, because I don’t know if mine would ever shut the hell up.

So instead of them being able to say, “I don’t like THOSE cookies. I told you to buy chocolate chip cookies, asshole,” they do passive-aggressive things like this:


Not only has he made a statement, but now I have to pick them up too. Asshole.