Out of the two cats I support financially, Quigley is the big dumb white cat, and Browning is the conniving, manipulative, spiteful one that knowingly pisses me off on a daily basis.

So when I’m sitting on my damn couch watching my damn tv, this is what this asshole does.


Making sure he takes up just enough room that I can’t lay down, and I have to sit up. Just enough room so that I can’t get as comfortable as I want, but thank god he’s comfortable. Dick.


Cats don’t give a shit.

So my good friend Jamie was a kind person this summer and took in this stray kitten, to be named Olivia Betsey Cohen. Olive for short.

When she got Olive, she was tiny. I’ve seen bigger rats. None of us were really sure she was going to live…but oh boy did she.

Jamie relocated to LA at the end of the summer. So Olive has taken on a new Cali-mentality. She does what she pleases when she pleases and where she pleases.

Exhibit A:


That’s Olive. Peeing in the sink. PEEING IN THE SINK, people.


Cats are even jealous of Christmas.

We’ve established so far that our cats hate when we do stuff that doesn’t center around their fat lives. Like, reading, going to the bathroom, trying to sleep. These assholes are even jealous of Christmas.

After a less than enjoyable day at work, I decided that stopping at Hobby Lobby and loading up on glitter-covered Christmas crap was just the ticket. I even had such a skip in my step when I left that I donated a dollar to that guy ringing the bell with the red bucket. And that’s saying something because I normally pretend to be on the phone and avoid them.

I get home and start decorating and I kid you not, not 10 seconds after I finished a display on my table, this asshole was up to his old tricks.


This picture probably looks pretty innocent to you. Just a curious cat checking new shit out. Wrong. Then he does this:


That picture should tell you two things. I’ll be chasing him off that table every day for the next two months. AND he’ll be puking glitter and beads all holiday season long.

Tis the season.


A little privacy, please: part two

On the slim chance that I think I’ve beaten these assholes into my bathroom alone, I discover that one of them has gone stealth and stowed itself away in anticipation of me coming in there. The funny thing is, what if I wanted to use my guest bathroom? Or, I had no plans to go in there until a few hours later? I’m sure these assholes have a plan b.

So what happens when one of them is in there, and the other isn’t is this shit:


And this shit:


And the entire thing becomes one huge, pretty annoying game that they play until I free the one that’s been locked inside.

Now if Browning is inside the bathroom, and Quigley is locked out, Quigley makes this god awful shriek and claws at the doorframe until I let him in.

There’s seriously no alone time with these assholes.