What do you mean I’m on the naughty list?

If cats believed in Christmas, all cats would get coal because they’re evil fur covered assholes that unnecessarily complicate their owner’s lives on a daily basis. And they wouldn’t even feel remorseful about it. But they don’t believe in Christmas because they’re dicks and would never, ever, like, ever believe in something so magical simply because it makes the entire planet happy and love each other for a night.

It seems this asshole didn’t get the memo because he’s still checking Santa’s nice list for his name.

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I’ll save you the time so you can quickly return to not doing a damn thing…It’s not there because you’ve spent the last year puking on the carpet, eating my fresh flowers, dumping my glasses of water, and sprinting laps on the bed every morning.

Keeping Up with Kim Kardashian’s Kitten

Let me preface this blog by saying I think Kim Kardashian is the biggest douchebag of this century. That said, I’ll watch their reality show until the death of me.

Last week, Kim started tweeting pictures of her new kitten–some teacup Persian bullshit white fluffy thing that probably cost a couple thousand dollars. This is Mercy (…because Kanye wrote a song about Kim called “Perfect Bitch,” Kim returned the favor by naming her cat after a Kanye song?):

The first thing I’d like to say about this picture is thank god I’m not a celebrity, because my two dickhead cats would NEVER let me carry them around Beverly Hills or SoHo like that. Instead, they’d rip holes in my Dolce & Gabbana clothes and then dart off into traffic and get run over by some rich asshole’s Lamborghini Mercy-elago (see what I did there?).

Secondly, yeah, that cat is pretty damn cute. But guess what it turns into, Kim?

This:

Because this is my blog, I’d also like to say I’m tired of celebrities getting kittens and the entire world freaking the hell out about it and being like, “OMG, DID YOU SEE TAYLOR SWIFT’S NEW KITTEN?” “ZOMG, KIM K GOT A KITTEN, HOW CUTE ARE CATS? I TOTALLY NEED A CAT NOW.” For years, people have called me a cat lady…and all of a sudden these two assholes get cats, and cats are cool. Guess what, assholes? Their cats shed all over the place, throw up on carpet, and shit in a box just like mine do, so enough with the judging.

And, this is just because I hate Taylor Swift:

Maybe she should start writing songs about all the shitty things her cat does to her? Call me maybe, Taylor.