I’ve been MIA and for that I apologize.

So, I’ve been in Canada for the last two weeks, which means that I’ve been cat-less for longer than that. Needless to say, my cats haven’t had the chance to be dicks to me. Instead, they’ve been dicks to their cat-sitters, and their cat-sitters haven’t emailed me about their dick-ish behavior, so therefore I have nothing to report to any of you. For what it’s worth though, I did harass my grandmother’s cat while I was out of the country, and that cat hated it.

HOWEVER, I do have this feel-good, sappy, nearing-Disney-movie-status-type news story to share with the three people that read this blog regularly.

Apparently this stray cat that lives in Massachusetts literally spent an entire week in a tree before it decided that plummeting 80 feet to the ground sounded like a better idea. Seriously, people tried rescuing it a few times, but because ALL CATS ARE DICKS, the cat refused to be rescued, which only meant that firefighters would have to cut the branch down to save it.

Long story short, firefighters cut said branch down, and the world is amazed that a cat survived an 80 foot drop. I have four points to make about this story, and they are as follows: 1. Cats always land on their feet. 2. Cats are always dicks, so duh, you were going to have to pry that dumbass out of the tree. 3. I’m a little upset that this story was the most interesting story that popped up when I googled “Cat News” today. SHIT. 4. To the person that commented, “People that let cats poop in their house are weird,” on the article…thank you.

That one time we went to a cat circus.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cat circus? That’s not even a real thing.” Well, you skeptic, it most certainly is a real thing and this blog serves as proof.

Suzanne came to Austin (so, now you know where I live…please don’t stalk me) Friday night. As fate would have it, there was also a cat circus in town the same night. So, duh we had to get tickets to that.

Naturally, we couldn’t show up to this thing sober because neither of us really knew what the hell to expect out of this. And, because it was on the east side of Austin, we weren’t sure if we’d die or not, and no one wants to die sober.

We walked into the little theatre and were immediately warned to close the door because there was a loose cat running around somewhere. We both got really excited at this point and wanted to find the loose cat. Editor’s note: there was no loose cat, so that was some bullshit.

We finally found seats (all six performances were sold out…I’ve truly missed my calling) and waited for the show to begin. The ring master came out, and was dressed like a character from Josie and the Pussycats–I’m talking cat ears and crushed velvet from head to toe. It was purrfect.

She has about 12 different cats kenneled that she pulls out at different times throughout the show, depending on what trick she’s trying to get them to perform–there were a couple hoop jumping cats, a skateboard cat, tight rope walking cat, shopping cart pushing cat, instrument playing cats, tight rope walking cat. I say ‘trying to perform’ because cats are dicks (celebrity performer cats included), and a good 80% of the time she let each cat out of its kennel to perform, it just walked out and stretched and sat down, and begged for its treat like it had done something spectacular.

20121119-190218.jpgThat’s a cat riding a skateboard.

20121119-190315.jpgThis was the star of the show–a bitchy cat named Tuna. Prior to the show ending, we were warned not to touch Tuna because Tuna is a huge dick who hates humans and doesn’t like being petted and doesn’t enjoy other signs of affection either. So, naturally I tried to touch Tuna (because I WANT TO HUG ALL THE CATS but I can’t) and honestly, I’ve never been more scared for my life. That cat is 100% evil.


Here we are with the star of the show. Suzanne is terrified. And this was before I tried to pet her, so I still thought I stood a chance and could make her love me. I was let down approximately 45 seconds after this photo.

The best part of the entire show actually had nothing to do with cats. A guy in the audience attempted to start a slow clap and it went a little something like this…


Early Morning Wake Up Calls

So I started a new job, a fantastic job that allows me to sleep in. Dream come true right? Not if you have cats.

My new alarm doesn’t go off until 8:30, as opposed to the 7:00 am alarm that my cats have grown used to over the past year.

This is a real problem for their little cat worlds. The last two days have started with me beating them off my pillow and throwing them across the room (dramatization) at 7:15 because I’ve apparently overstayed my welcome in my bed.

People unwise to the dickish tendencies of cats might think this cute. “Aww, they just want to make sure you’re on time for work,” someone might say.

You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. Cats are evil, hateful, fur-covered little creatures that love ruining people’s days in any way they can.

Sorry there isn’t a picture to accompany this blog. Like I’m thinking clearly in my early morning rages.

Well I was drinking that, but you go right ahead: Part two.

Cats are notorious for taking, drinking, eating, scratching, spilling, and sitting on anything that’s yours.

So, Browning decided to help himself to a little of my holiday spirit I decided to have:


As it turns out, these little furry douchebags can’t taste sweets, so my eggnog was a complete bust for him.

Catherine:1, Browning:397.

Cats are always real pleased with themselves.

Whether they’ve just spent five minutes in the litter box, broken a wine glass, slept away the entire day, or knocked over a glass of water…cats are always really damn pleased with themselves and don’t really ever think about changing any of their asshole habits.

Just look at this asshole right here:


And then there’s this asshole:


Real damn pleased with himself.


Cats are passive-aggressive.

Cats can’t speak, and thank god for that, because I don’t know if mine would ever shut the hell up.

So instead of them being able to say, “I don’t like THOSE cookies. I told you to buy chocolate chip cookies, asshole,” they do passive-aggressive things like this:


Not only has he made a statement, but now I have to pick them up too. Asshole.


Cats don’t give a shit.

So my good friend Jamie was a kind person this summer and took in this stray kitten, to be named Olivia Betsey Cohen. Olive for short.

When she got Olive, she was tiny. I’ve seen bigger rats. None of us were really sure she was going to live…but oh boy did she.

Jamie relocated to LA at the end of the summer. So Olive has taken on a new Cali-mentality. She does what she pleases when she pleases and where she pleases.

Exhibit A:


That’s Olive. Peeing in the sink. PEEING IN THE SINK, people.